Who Does She See?
by X-Bride
Summary: ONE-SHOT, Asuka's POV. Asuka and Rei- different as night and day, or is that really what Asuka believes? Slight Shoujo-ai. R&R!


**Who Does She See?**

Disclaimer: All characters, themes, situations, and trademarks of Evangelion belong to Gainax, not me, and I do not intend to make of profit from these terms.

What is she? Really...who is she? All my ways denigrate her. How she conjures the very blackness of my soul to come swimming upon my words only to lash them right at her. She merely takes those words then pretends they could never exist; my anger-how it can replete against her. All the thorns stabbing at me, through the pain too great to put into words, I have never in my entire existence seen an individual such as her.

Blank as the virgin snow, her face freezes into that indifferent gaze that burns in my mind as a doll's snare waiting to snatch me out of my mind, my senses, and my heart altogether. Like at witch, her eyes reflect the world's constant, random, condemning events that will be recorded by her vast eyes of deep crimson. I see her passing by in the desolate hallways of our said headquarters, looking like the hanged woman beneath the willow tree. Our eyes do not meet; her eyes are locked to the ground, yet she knows were she's going. Empty, which is what she is, empty. No soul, no heart, no mind control of her own which she can protect from the imperialism of others around her. Measureless boundaries beyond my understanding, I repeat to myself: "She's not human."

She's abnormal, pathetic, submitting, weird, strange, weak, wretched, and any other word that can enter my sub-consciousness that would release my negative outlook on her. She's Rei Ayanami, the First Child of Evangelion Unit 00. How I resent her. She's nothing without NERV. She is nothingness shaped like mankind, an empty shell, vessel without an essence to license her by. Where is I am the moving and breathing machine that has to bear the stigma of still being alive while she just stands by being praised by the officials. I was left by my mother, how I hate her too. Why didn't I die too? I wanted to die, I needed to die. So why am I alive, breathing along side of that blue-haired fake? She is lifeless, just like how I wanted to be, but yet I continue my struggle for survival.

The irony is too much to bear.

For all the times I lashed out at her, showing emotions at nothing, and she simply looked me in the eyes with honesty unlike me, I envied her. I saw what I could have been. Why not hate her even more? I thought. Do I hate myself that much? Or did I yearn to become something that I was not destined to become?

I see this insensible thing right in front of me and see a helpless girl without a shoulder to cry on in the world. Why does she not cry around me? I do not see one crystalline tear from her eyes to present the sadness of her duty painted the dark color of blood. No anger from her rage, if any. I shout; she takes it. I cannot stand that, though I get even more irritated and continue. She is not anyone's whipping post!

The two of us descend further into a depthless feeling. We are like two banished angels with broken wings flying into a bottomless Hell. Tension in the elevator, silent but nonetheless there, embraces my mind and yanks at my stream of thoughts. She speaks. Speaks about me, about how I was too oblivious of the disturbing matters of my Eva. I then let my fury out on her once again, reluctantly. I showed her my shortcomings. I lied to her once more, just like always, or is this what I want her to see? I am not sure...I just do not know.

When she looked at me, those deep, beautiful red eyes, I found myself in her eyes. I snapped knowing I was anywhere near her let alone within her. My hand raced across her face, leaving the redness of the impact. Marching out of the elevator, into the vast wonderland of lies, misery, and uncertainty, I left her standing there. My heart was crying tears of blood, bleeding with sorrow. I did not want that to happen. She is lifeless.

In full battle array, see fights nobly. Her status, her will is not hers to own, poor girl. Why not fight your own battle for once? Take commands but do them as you follow your heart and know that it is the right thing to do! I can do it, and so can you.

Before she almost left my sight, I stopped in breathe and heeded my heart in the darkest of times during the aftermath of the brightest time-the defeat of the Angel. She fell before I did. Panic struck fear into every fiber of my being until I could not take it anymore and waited by her door.

The drops of life and death, balanced on the scale, began to disperse. A pulsating wave of emotions poured into me. I felt awkward. Was this concern? Was this compassion? Was this love?

Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel like this toward something as unforgettable as her?

Have you ever felt delicate or innocent? Ever?

She must have once. Do not try and fool me.

For someone who breaks easily one the inside, her outside bears the marks of a steel soldier. Is she trying to free herself? Tell me...what is her dream? What does she get out of staying alive?

Now, I wished I could show her my other side, the side of the lonely girl in need of someone-like you. I want to touch Rei and see what she has been through as something standing on the line of life and life-like.

I wanted to be like Rei. She was so much better than I. The courage to handle being friends was over whelming. We are parallel beings, she and I. Opposite side of the same coin.

To never know what the future might hold is terrifying, but what has happened in the past makes me think how lucky I was to get through it with everything I still have now. Rei, can you relate to me? You cannot fathom 100 of who I am, but can't we at least meet halfway?

Down the paths of right and wrong, possible or assuming the impossible, I hope that she will stay with me in this world.

I long to see her smile beneath that morbid shade of emptiness, whether or not it is meant for me; I want to see it and smile too. We can be closer, if it wasn't for my stained pride and haughtiness. I walk past you feeling the stolid aura that you leave with the wind as you walk on by casually. I try not to get lost in that aura. It is very difficult.

Do I love her? Can I? Will I? Should I? How...?

I can only answer that. I want to be the one she looks at. I want to be the one she sees. To achieve this, I must walk a thorny path. I must go empty handed. No one will give me a map or a compass; I have to find my own way to her. At the end, it will all be worth it. As pathetic and outlandish as she is, she is worth taking a risk for.

**OWARI **


End file.
